We’ve been in lockdown, quarantine, social distancing, whatever you want to call it for a month and a half. Nothing is changed much personally…still not working, lots of reading, working out, but now getting a little lazier and not keeping up with my routine for the past two weeks. Starting to feel the lack of motivation, the “I’ll do it tomorrow” cuz everyday in quarantine is tomorrow. The days all blend, the shows are mind numbing, the news is infuriating, and our household gets a little cranky, especially with half of us that aren’t getting out much.
Then the guilt that creeps in. That I can do something, I’m able bodied but what?! Guilt that my kids go off to work as I am sitting on the couch reading. I am the head of household and yes, I’m getting unemployment so it pays the expenses but this is not how it’s supposed to be! I don’t understand how welfare recipients collect with no guilt and do nothing if they are able bodied! This is starting to slowly wear on me. And I recognize it so I’ll change up what I’m doing, try to be goofy or even pet the cats (proven therapeutic), but that sense of “you’re lazy, worthless” creeps back in. I’m a doer, a worker, a provider and this pandemic is taking it away from me. If I can’t do these things, I feel like shit; it’s part of my self worth. I want to do something, go somewhere, help somewhat! You say, boo hoo you big baby. You’re not out there on the front lines of this thing. So shut up. But everyone has to deal with this pandemic in their way. I know I’m doing my part by staying home. And I know I really don’t have anything to complain about. Me and the kids have it good, comparatively. We are physically healthy, have income coming in, we are mentally in good shape. We’ve come to blows a few times. But when you’re couped up with 6 other people there tends to be friction at some point. And we get through it. But there’s not much for them either. They do minimal school, they have a videogame schedule (the younger 2 or they’d be on 24 hours), we have dinner together, play family games a couple times a week, watch Netflix but not much else to do. When it’s warmer weather we’ve gone out to play or walk but it’s been in the 40’s so outdoor activities are postponed. We are doing the best we can.
We have no end in sight. This pandemic is uncharted territory and can only go by educated speculation. I am starting to see some unsettling abuses of power against citizens as the days go on which I’ll address in another post. I just want the facts just like all Americans so we know how long we are to endure our current situation. I realize that is just a wish because the government has no absolutes yet in dealing with this virus.
