I celebrated my 13 year Unniversary on February 12th. I recognize this date every year due to how important it has been to me; a great milestone and achievement in my life. And why not celebrate. It marked the beginning of my freedom, my path to a new life. No more relationship anxiety. No more riding the rollercoaster of emotions because I didn’t know what his mood would be that day. No more of being on high alert and trying to keep the kids in check so not to trigger any anger he had. No more doing everything I possibly could and still not being enough. Heck, that thought of not being good enough is so ingrained I didn’t need the extra voice of him screaming in my face every opportunity he had.
And yes, after my divorce, an entirely different stress came along. Doing it all alone. But I was doing it mostly on my own anyways even when I was married. I didn’t think it would be easy and it wasn’t. Being a single mom was a completely different challenge. Completely different survivor mode. How? Because when you live with a narcissist, you don’t know what moods, fights, or emotions are going to spring up at any particular time. Navigating his personality is like trying to dodge bullets knowing at any time you would inevitably get struck. Single parenting, I didn’t have his gnawing voice telling me what I was doing was wrong. I just did what I thought was best and lived with it. Nobody bashing me how stupid I was….although that voice does stay with you…but physically nobody there. I made decisions and accepted the consequences with no outside criticisms that’d I’d have thrown back in my face for years to come. Would it have been nice to have help of a partner? Hell yes! Of course at times I would second guess myself and wished for help. But the alternative in staying in that hell of a marriage. Nope, I’ll take my chances and if I screw up then it’s a lesson learned.
So why shouldn’t we celebrate our divorces? I guess maybe you think because you were the one that got left behind. You were the one that was betrayed. You were the one blindsided! Why would you cheer and be happy that its all over?! Well I ask…why would you want to stay with someone who betrayed you? Who you can’t trust? Who doesn’t want to be with you anymore? And maybe you fought. Heck, I fought. I fought because I thought it would get better, that he would change. I didn’t want to breakup our family. I didn’t believe in divorce. And I fought for years. You can only can bang your head so many times on the wall until the bruises lead to a concussion which leads to a brain bleed. And that can be fatal. You are in dying relationship but you want to die right along with it? I can’t relate to the heartache of being left. I can’t understand why sometimes some women pine and have breakdowns over a man leaving who treats them like trash. I detached from my ex long before I even considered divorce, but that’s what emotional abuse will do. I can, though, understand the difficulty of moving on. Of change. Of navigating scary waters. Of there being some kind of shame in divorce. We don’t go into marriage expecting divorce. And it isn’t completely our fault or even not at all. So really nothing to be be ashamed about. It’s just reality.
And so you didn’t want the divorce but it happened. Now what? Maybe it’s too early for you to celebrate. The wounds are still fresh. Time will help that. Doesn’t heal but lessens the pain. You can wallow for a while but then it’s time to move on. You still have a lot of life left in you. Don’t squander it by being bitter, or pining, or thinking about the old days. That’s all behind. Today is the day. Celebrate you today. You don’t have to wait for the anniversary. But boy, when you reach it and see how far you’ve come, you’ll be amazed. It is possible. Divorce equals new opportunities, a time for change. Let’s normalize celebrating what has been the kick in the ass we need to start living a joyful, peaceful life, which my friends, was my divorce.
