Are you one of those people who notices who showed up and who did NOT?!
That’d be me! Or at least up until a couple years ago it was. I was absolutely consumed with who didn’t show up to my party, who didn’t support me with whatever I was doing or who hasn’t texted me back. I would actually start to get enraged that they didn’t care, thought they were being selfish. Like what the f*#k is your problem?! Why didn’t they come? After years of this, I started to mentally keep track of who didn’t show up. Might sound crazy, yes, but it’s human nature to want love and support.
So then after the anger, it’s what did I do? Why didn’t they communicate with me if there was a problem or conflict? How can I fix this going forward? Am I the problem? It was a spiraling downfall of my self worth, worthiness to others and that I didn’t matter. I put so much of my worth externally, meaning that I cared way too much about what others thought and did. Of course I felt this way, part of me being a people pleaser was that I expected what I gave was to be reciprocated.
To expect it from those who are supposed to be in your circles is not completely preposterous. And therein lies the problem: Expectations. I used to have a self anti-affirmation, if you could call it: “If you don’t have any expectations, you wont be disappointed”. I tried to live by this for years, especially during my marriage. But once I was free from the shackles of my Wasband and had friends again, I thought why not. I don’t have to keep myself in my own little box. Gotta start trusting somewhere. Gotta make loving, lasting connections with people other than my kids. And then my people pleasing mode kicked into high gear.
What am I doing wrong?
Why don’t they like me?
How can I fix this?
I Overestimated My Value
So I built some circles: my siblings, work friends, old friends. I had what I thought was a solid support system. I would do whatever I could for them. Overextended myself at times. At the time, I was a single mom, sole provider, working multiple jobs and trying to maintain some kind of social balance. I figured since I was showing up for them as much as humanly possible, well of course they would for me. I overestimated my value in their lives.
And as superficial as it sounds, I could physically see it when they didn’t show up to my annual summer party. And it would piss me off! More over, they couldn’t even tell me they weren’t coming. Either get no response at all or the oh yeah, I think Ill be there. Nothing! And this is a fun thing! I’m not asking you to give me a kidney, just come over, relax, play, and enjoy time together. This ended up being very telling to me because the same players showed their character time and again but I would just make excuses for them. Because I didn’t want to accept the fact that they weren’t the right people to have in my life anymore.
In the end, this taught me a valuable lesson. I learned to focus on who DID show up. Enjoy their company. They decided to come. They made the effort to join me. And the last few years that I had this mindset were the most fun I’ve had and least stressful. I no longer keep track of who shows up, who likes my posts or who didn’t text me back. That stuff just sucks the joy out of the day. It also taught me that those I esteemed higher than me, who don’t contact me, or make any effort no longer belong in my circle. I wish them well but I am showing up for myself now and showing up for those who truly love me.