Indulging in cocktails with my friend the other evening, the conversation turned towards her daughter, who was going through heartache. Her daughter’s ex—someone she had been with for five years—just married the woman he had an affair with only 10 months prior. Despite the hurt, her daughter hadn’t purged her space or her social media of their shared memories.
“Get rid of them!” I firmly stated. “How can you truly move on when his pictures and reminders keep showing up all around you?” The mother’s defense was that these were treasured memories, even if he was part of them.
But that’s the past. You can surely find memories worth keeping that don’t have him at the center. The lack of encouragement from her mother to let go is eye-opening—she hasn’t let go either.
In contrast, I have a solitary photo at home that includes my ex, captured during a pivotal family gathering, right before his health issues surfaced. Post-divorce, I’ve diligently cleared out the rest of our photos, keeping a handful tucked away for my children, should they ever wish to see them.
When it was time to move on from the marital home, I left almost everything behind. I held on to just a handful of pieces that mattered. Starting anew meant stripping away the remnants of a life that was no longer mine. We were moving on in our lives without him.
I witness so many women in the full bloom of middle age, who, when faced with the seismic shifts of divorce, find themselves caught in an emotional uproar that harks back to the tumultuous teenage years. Stalking, lamenting, ensnared in a web of drama….These women have poured the very essence of their beings into their marriages, and when they are confronted with the heart-wrenching declaration from their spouses that “it’s over,” it indeed feels like their worlds are crumbling. Naturally, the devastation is pervasive and life-altering, but from within this chasm of despair, they must summon the strength to let go and embrace the end of a significant chapter in their lives. It’s a decisive moment to reclaim their individuality, to find resolve within, and to step and to step forward into the next adventure of their lives.
And I’m not saying it’s easy, but staying in the whoa is me, pity party of self destruction might feel good in the moment but will not sustain you over time. I’m not saying don’t have your sulking, crying, bottle of wine, eating ice cream days…just don’t live there. There are ways to get through.
Here’s 5 Tips to Help You to Move On:
- Allow Yourself to Grieve: Feel the feelings; sadness, anger, lost, after the breakup. Give yourself permission to experience these emotions fully.
- Lean on Support: Surround yourself with friends and family who understand and can offer support during this challenging time.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Healing takes time. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would if a friend was going through a breakup
- Engage in Self-Care: Focus on nourishing your mind, body and soul, whether it’s exercise, doing something creative or pursuing that hobby that has gone to the back burner.
- Seek Professional Help: If you are really struggling, time is passing and you just can’t cope, consider seeking therapy or counseling.
And…Here’s 5 More Tips to Get Your Butt Moving
- Cut Off Contact: Completely cut off or limit, if you have kids, all contact. You need to give yourself space to heal. Staying friends on social media is a no-no.
- Set some Goals: Focus on self improvement and personal growth. This relationship door has closed. Start reinventing yourself for the next chapter whether it’s career aspirations, taking up hiking or downloading the Babbel app. Having a new focus or challenge to strive for shifts your focus.
- Stay Busy: I don’t really care for the art of busyness but in this case, it is a useful tool. Keeping yourself occupied with activities and commitments keeps your mind engaged and prevents dwelling on the past.
- Embrace Change: Change is hard. You’ve gotten used to the routine of the relationship. It was a habit. Time to create new habits. Get out of your comfort zone and explore new opportunities.
- Make the list: Take a piece of paper. Make two columns. One side, list what was so great about the relationship. The other side, what wasn’t so great. Really think…..because this relationship just didn’t end. You can probably see some breadcrumbs when you get real.
If you’re looking to move forward, it’s imperative to loosen the ties. Block, unfriend, and delete. It’s highly unlikely he’s scouring your social media, so why keep tabs on him? He’s embraced a new chapter; it’s your turn to do the same.
The harsh truth is, he doesn’t pine for you, his love is in the past, and hopes of getting back together are illusions. He has reshaped his life—when will you start carving out yours?
Spending prolonged periods engulfed in distress and agitation can sap your vigor—what sort of existence is that? You’re essentially still dedicating your life to him.
It’s time to embrace life on your terms and live for yourself.
