I woke up in a hotel in Miami. Heading out later for my first ever cruise soon. I didn’t sleep well, I rarely do unless it’s my own bed. I roll out of bed and head over towards the bathroom. As I pass the mirror, I stop and look…just look…very closely. What the hell! I looked horrible! Eyes all puffy, bags, just looked worn out. I get a glimpse of my mother and she is not an ugly woman, but old. And that’s what was staring back at me; an old lady. Oh, did I mention it’s my 54th birthday. I started to cry. Not loudly though, my daughter was still asleep in the other bed. I couldn’t believe how wrecked I was!
What happened?! Living life, doing my thing, working, and get through then suddenly I am not recognizing the person I have become. I’ve seen this face many times and within the past few years I have witnessed a change. My body, ugh, that has been changing for the the past 5 years. Losing muscle, gaining weight, more aches and pains. And my night vision! I’ve had bad night vision since my 20’s but it has gotten worse. So much so that I rarely go anywhere after sundown.
And I know this is all just physical beauty. We aren’t supposed to focus on that stuff but instead our inner beauty; which I have been working . We women have been bombarded all our lives with images and expectations of what beauty is or supposed to be. I know logically it doesn’t matter. Heck, I got it going on in other areas but that little voice seeps through on occasion and says work on it; you’re not good enough. People won’t take you seriously if you aren’t dressed up, made-up and presenting a healthy youthful glow.
Another aspect to aging is that I feel like time has slipped away. I call the years that my kids were little the lost decade due to I was on auto pilot and mentally not present. I regret that. Friends will ask me about a certain song or event that happened during those years and I honestly have no recollection .
You know that saying ” Youth is wasted on the young”…FACTS! I feel like I have so many years left and so much to offer. Many wasted years. And I have to get past this silly old lady syndrome. That is why I did take my first cruise. I do take vacations alone. I am working on my health and trying to get better sleep. I am working on my relationships. Working on things that are really important. Because I can’t change time and what it does to me. But I can change what I do with it.
