When I divorced my Wasband, I rarely had any contact with his family, if any. Other than my mother-in-law, whom I would see on occasion when I dropped my kids off for a visit with their father, there was none. I was the devil in her eyes. She would say the nastiest things about me, to my kids and to anyone else who would listen. She defended her son, of course, and explained away that the way he was was because he was sick, from the stroke, because it is a brain injury and he had it severely. She couldn’t or maybe did not want to grasp that he was who he was way before any trauma. Maybe that would have to have her and her husband(my father-in-law) take accountability because they raised him. They made the monster. I believe her belief too, was stay in the marriage no matter what. She did. In her eyes, how dare I divorce my poor, sick husband. But times are different. We fight like hell not to stay with our abusers, especially for the kids sake. So like I said, myself and my kids didn’t see their grandparents and uncles(he has two brothers) on that side. And now they’re back. Reunited with long lost family. And only because of a tragedy that occurred in the family, a funeral, of my MIL.
A tragedy, you might say, why, she was 80. It’s the manner in which she passed. And though I am not a fan of hers, I wouldn’t wish her kind of death on anyone. She contracted the human form of mad cow disease known as CJD which is a rare, fatal brain disorder. There is no cure. It essentially is deterioration of the brain. 1 in a 1 million chance of getting it. I don’t know how long she had it or how she got it but she passed last weekend. Simply horrible.
The wake and the funeral were very soon after. My youngest, Alex and Sarah went to the wake, then Adam went the next day with them to the funeral. Remember, I have 6 kids. My oldest, Marcus, I feel really wants nothing to do with them. Lukas is away at school and Matt had his own reasons for not going. They are all adults now. They have their reasons. They feel the way they do and it’s not up to me to sway them either way. While at the wake/funeral they met their 2 cousins that they only saw a handful of times when they were very little. This is his brother’s boys. I guess they were very excited to meet my kids and have family because they don’t have any cousins on their moms side.
Alex came home all excited that he connected with his cousins, how his uncle said whatever happened happened, let’s leave the past and start getting together, at least the kids. How do I feel? That’s great! I think its awesome that the kids like each other and want to establish a relationship amongst each other. I never kept my kids from anyone. They could have visited at anytime, especially when we used to live 5 minutes away. And ya, I guess it would be awkward to visit because I divorced your brother/brother-in-law so I get it. But grandma(MIL) was the one who kept the family split. She would say it was me because of the divorce but she and my FIL never came to visit or pick up the kids. Never asked. I would have said yes, been thrilled. Because I want them to have a relationship with their grandkids. My parents don’t so I would like someone to step up. It didn’t happen. She only would trash me to my kids when they were visiting their father(Wasband). So maybe it was a good thing. Hindsight now that it was better off not having her around my kids, poisoning them with her bitterness and embellishments.
With that said, Lukas came home, was in town and visited my FIL a couple days ago. It’s been a week since the funeral. And yes, he basically trashed talked me to Lukas. Like c’mon man, I get your wife died but just stop talking smack about me to my kids. Plus another thing was mentioned that a few things I did in the past was a little shady but was understood(he didn’t say this, a different family member said this). And now the flood of things came back. What did I do that was shady? They don’t even know the whole story, only from Wasband’s and MIL’s point of view. I felt my defenses rising. But I am over this all, right? My old self started creeping in. I used to have to explain myself and give my reasons which would fall on deaf ears anyways because they were/are so closed minded and carry that anger. But I don’t have to justify anything to anyone. I don’t carry that anger anymore. I didn’t like that I was starting to feel those old wounds. Maybe I am not fully healed. Maybe I will never be.
My Divorce anniversary is coming up. It’ll be 13 official years! I do acknowledge and celebrate it every year. Mind you, we didn’t really celebrate our anniversary when we were married. It was just another day. And now they’re back. The other side of the family wants to know my kids, get together, and have a relationship. I’m happy for my kids to have extended family who are excited to be around them. Reuniting can be great. But not for me. I wish the bad mouthing of me to my kids would end. Hopefully it does. But I have no control over any of that. I can only control myself. I am not going down the hole of reliving and feeling the angst, the stress. That part of my life is well behind me. I have no desire to revisit it with them. I have no ill will towards them. I just don’t think I want to be around them yet, especially with the death being so fresh. Plus I know how they think and behave, at least how they used to. And I feel like I am in a good place. I want to leave the past where it belongs. So this along with my trust issues, I will hold off on this happy reunion.
