When Family Ceases to Matter. Not Everyone is Welcome at my Table.

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase Blood is thicker than water. More or less meaning your family, blood lines are more important and that these above all else should be solid, nurtured and ranked highly. But sometimes these relations aren’t worth saving. Why? Because people are people and we always can’t get along. Family ceases to matter for several reasons. The one I am focusing on here is toxicity. I hate that word, though, toxic, it’s so over used these days. A better way to say it is that they have become a self centered all knowing, hurtful shitty person who thinks they are better and smarter than you. They bring you down with their constant drama, disrespect and victim mentality.

A few years ago, knowing that my relations with my siblings could be better, I suggested we get together a few times a year for a sibling Sunday, which usually was lunch somewhere so we can connect. To establish some trust, understand what is going on in each others lives. I have always been the listener of the bunch, in family, friends, school, work so I am the quiet one who takes it all in. And on those sibling Sundays, there were a lot of bitching, complaining, stories and personal feelings which was the whole point of getting together. What family doesn’t do this! It was mostly about their spouses, our parents….which yes I have had plenty of issues with my parents in the past which, ya know, that was the past now, I’ve healed and moved on. And bonus I don’t have a pain of a narcissistic husband any longer so other than my survivor mode mom status, I was doing well comparatively.

During these lunches, I have shared my feelings about my parents, gave my opinion to my sibs on something that they were discussing or sharing. And yes, I have given some tough love. I can be direct when I know facts and someone refuses to give an ounce of care to at least listen to what I had to say. I wasn’t being judgy, just bold in my words because what I was hearing wasn’t a very healthy way of living.

Apparently along the way, I guess I offended her. She obviously felt some type of way. She stopped coming to sibling Sunday and blocked me(and my brother) on Facebook. Which I was fine with because the things she posts and the frequency….whoa! Mind-blowing. And this is an issue within her that extended to social media that she didn’t want me to see anymore.

What I wasn’t fine with was why she couldn’t have a conversation about it instead of this kind of sneaky behavior. But I let it go. I never brought it up. I had wronged her in some way in her mind. Could I have initiated a conversation? Sure! However, what she had going on personally, mentally, emotionally was beyond anything she wanted to work on….she just made excuses and played the victim. I felt distance was the right choice.

This went on for several years. We would see each other at family events and I always invited her to my summer parties. No deep interaction. Her fake “love you”, so disingenuous, I couldn’t say back. I was pretending to care, which now looking at it, shame on me for not being real.

I would hear from my other sibs about her doings….nothing has changed. I’d get angry because I felt she wasn’t doing the best for herself and her actions were ridiculous. And then I saw my judgement and thought, not my life, not my business, I tried. And now, I’m good. I try to keep my distance. There is such a heavy negative cloud around some of the family. I’m sure you’ve felt it in your own at times. That energy you feel…that it’s not right. The feeling is off. You start becoming negative too. Uh no, no more….I’ve been working too hard on myself to get sucked in to the vortex of backstabbing and gossip.

So recent family events happened which I’ll write about in a later post, which have spurred her anger at me. First, I am prefacing that I am protecting my peace and no longer will put myself where I feel I am being used or unwanted and being fake. With that, she sent me a text that accused me of all kinds of things: being a liar, a life sucking, finger-pointing liar specifically, a manipulator, I’m hollow inside. She wishes me no success and wants nothing to do with me. She also accused me of taking advantage of my oldest sister, who I opened my home to when nobody else would…not even her own kids or my sister. But like I said, that’s another story. By the way, I didn’t .

Normally, if someone gets that kind of text, they are angry, crying, apologetic…what did I do?! Not me. I was only mad about her saying I took advantage of my other sister which is soooo not the case, and for her wishing me no success. I don’t wish anyone no success…not even my ex. These where the shocking factors that I chewed on for a day or so. Then it was done. She revealed herself to me. The ugliness down deep. I want no part of that, family or not. I have peace.

I’m not telling this story to have you choose sides or agree with me. We are both at fault. I have been working on myself for the past 3-4 years and am no longer the same person that she thinks she knows. Can I be stubborn, direct, hell yes! My point is family doesn’t always live up to the grand idea that we think it should be. Personalities clash, beliefs are challenged, and disagreements well, sometimes the fallout results in no connection, no communication. They show who they are, you decide where to go from there. Forgive them…so you can move on. But I believe you should not forget. Unless they show you time and time again that there are changes, the trust has been broken, remember that. Protect your heart as well as your peace.

This goes along the lines of the Let Them theory. I first heard of this listening to Mel Robbins. Here’s the link: https://youtu.be/d4z5C8G32AY?si=60xTcTE5IRrBtFEr. It is basically when someone does something or doesn’t do something and it bothers you…like they didn’t invite you to something. Don’t get upset because you can’t control their behavior or their actions. Let them do it, don’t take it personally. And here’s the thing…their actions show you who THEY are and then YOU decide where you want to go from there. It’s hard not to be hurt or take it personally. With time and practice, focusing on your response by not reacting, your life gets a whole lot calmer. Because you are in control of you.

So as far as I am concerned, this relationship is no longer worth my energy….for now, for me anyways. Family ceases to matter when behaviors are so nasty and trying to be hurtful. Words were spoken, actions were taken, trust is gone. Not all are welcome at my table. Take a look and see who has been abusing their spot at your table.